After a year of dating, and seven months of being in a committed relationship, I haven’t received the dreaded “I just want to come to you as a woman and let you know…” phone call, and I’m so grateful.
I know this is kind of a weird gratitude post but follow me, okay?
I’d just gone through a pretty transformative break up last year when I decided I wanted to get back out on the scene. If you recall from a previous post, my main motivation at the time was trying to make my ex jealous. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that she truly didn’t give a fuck about what I was doing though, so I decided to focus on myself.
I spent months swiping through profiles on all of the dating apps and going out on a series of underwhelming dates. I wasn’t looking for anything serious or even long term, I was telling myself. I was just hoping to catch a couple bodies. ‘Cause that’s what we do after a break up, right? I was trying to come off a year long dry spell sexually, and had anybody’s daughter been out here acting right, I was willing to throw my draws at ’em.
But, after experiencing bad date, after boring date, after not really my type but its something to do date, I was jaded, annoyed, and really tired of wasting good outfits to sit across the table from women who either didn’t have their shit together (hobosexuals), were already fucking half the city, or we were just not that into each other.
Frustrated, and convinced all the good lesbians were taken, I was ready to uninstall all the apps, for the thousandth time. But, first. Just to be sure. I made one last scroll and that’s when I saw her. My soon to be new girlfriend (I just didn’t know it at the time.). I swiped right and waited. A few days later, the notification came through that she’d swiped right too. We shared exactly three text exchanges before she agreed to meet me for drinks.
If I’m being honest, our first date was riddled with red flags from both sides of the table.
- Both of us were fresh off the heels of pretty traumatic relationships and were just looking to just pass the time with someone. – It’s giving rebound…
- She was a “reforming” fuckboy. – So was the last fuckboy I dated. I mean, aren’t they all reforming these days?
- I was an aspiring fuck girl. – My heart was closed and I really did want to learn how to hurt others as I’d been hurt because fuck, if you cant beat them join them, right? – It’s giving victim…
- The biggest one being the insane sexual chemistry between us.
Now wait, before y’all start coming for my neck, I’m not saying if you’re immediately sexually attracted to someone there’s a problem with yourself or that person. But, as for me and my house, ya girl LLLLOOOOVVVVEEESSSSS a good, easily identifiable, trauma bond.
And if I’m being real, outside of her being easy on the eyes, I didn’t know anything about this girl to be feeling the heart swelling, coochie soaking, overwhelming attraction and chemistry that I was feeling with her on that first date.
So for me, that let me know, I was trauma bonding.
Here’s the thing:
In hindsight, I realize I rolled the dice and repeated the same damn pattern of behavior that led me down a world of hurt and self esteem issues the year before.
She was a reforming fuckboy which meant she was still programmed and subscribed to the pattern of behavior that served her in the past. Things like:
- Love bombing
- Inconsistent behavior
- Moving too quickly
- Ego issues
- Poor communication skills
- Gaslighting, etc.
I was still receiving my monthly subscription to “How to remain a hurt hoe”, so I was still programmed to respond as I did in the past. Which was:
- I went out into the world emotionally unavailable again looking for other emotionally unavailable people and I found one, again.
- I was lying to myself, saying things like “I don’t want to be in a relationship.”, I’m just looking for fun.”, “Yes, I can fuck and pretend to be your girlfriend, who’s not your girl friend, not catch feelings, while being emotionally and sexually exclusive and available to you.”
- Literally offering myself to have my energy drained from me by another human being because I felt like I was only as good as what I could offer to another person and sex, sex was always a hooker for the ladies. I guess you eat pussy different when your self worth is tied to it…
I wanted to be a victim SO bad!
The wild part of it all was that I was so disillusioned to my own bullshit, I thought I was empowered. I thought that I was demonstrating strength by suppressing my desire for vulnerability, acceptance, and love. I thought I was protecting myself by putting on this tough girl, no feelings, no fucks given exterior.
What I was really projecting out into the world was that I was broken, but healing, and at the same time afraid to get hurt again. In trying to avoid getting hurt, I was doing things that would lead me straight into the next hell.
The way I was behaving was setting me up to be taken advantage of, lied to, and end up looking stupid…AGAIN. Either from a call from some woman, coming to me as a woman, or receiving another Dear Jane letter.
I was blind to my own bullshit when we met that first day. But the pain I experienced from doing these same things in the past created an unavoidable call to action when the signs started to pop up in this new encounter.
So what happened? What changed the course of this relationship?
I got to a point where I realized where my actions were leading me and I made the radical decision to open my damn mouth and advocate for myself.
I’m not ashamed to say that this only happened after I fucked on the second day and realized my heartstrings had been tickled by the tip of her…
From that point on, I got real clear with myself and my boundaries and I made a few phone calls. We got clear on a few things and that’s when difficult conversations and standing my ground first came into play.
As a result, for over a year, we were on again off again.
We both knew that we wanted to be different and attract different but we didn’t know how to go about it.
Sure, we had read the books, watched the videos on YouTube, and committed to our own methods of fixing ourselves. But, we hadn’t had the chance to get any real world practice in before we met.
When we first started “being different” we’d be doing well until a trigger popped up or a the opportunity for a boundary to be set presented itself. It was always the same cycle. We would first, react from trauma then we’d retreat and then finally after some time had passed we’d revisit the situation. It took us a while to get to the point where we could have a difficult conversation without first needing to take a month, sometimes two months, long hiatus from each other. But now, our muscles have grown and we’ve started to get more comfortable.
Through the last year we’ve both been working to:
- Set and maintain boundaries.
- Learn how to talk to, and understand each other.
- Learn self acceptance and tolerance for each others individual personalities.
- Accept criticism.
- Break toxic relationship patterns.
- Learn about and heal from childhood traumas that shaped our perspectives in not so healthy ways.
- Open to each others perspective to get an understanding of an issue instead of wanting to be right.
- Find better ways to settle disagreements.
- Find comfort in vulnerability.
- Learn to accept and demonstrate love in healthy ways.
Why haven’t I received that call?
What turned this would be catastrophe of a situation around was simply me believing in myself enough to ask for what I deserve and make it a requirement for moving forward with me.
I’ve come to realize that by making changes within myself I have helped my recovering fuckboy accept her own vulnerabilities. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not. I didn’t have to convince or manipulate her into doing the work on herself. She was already on her journey and so was I.
Even if she wasn’t, I was honestly prepared to walk away from her to find someone who was willing to do the work. In the past, I gave people fear based ultimatums that I later compromised on if my demands weren’t met. Now, I stand tall full and strong in my “No”.
Now:
- I am speaking up for myself more.
- I am standing more firmly behind my boundaries and expectations.
- I am not just passively accepting things that are given to me, said to me, or done to me.
- I am getting better.
- I am gaining more confidence in myself to ask for what I want and demand what is owed to me.
- I am getting better with taking up space.
I am thankful that I didn’t run from the opportunity to confront my pitfalls head on.
I am grateful that I am learning to chose myself come hell or high water. Do I still stumble? Absolutely. Do I still find myself not speaking up as much as I could, or should. Bet your ass! But I am growing.
Lastly,
As I continue to gain strength and begin to feel more confident to fully embody myself, one of two things is bound to happen. Either my relationship is also going to continue to grow and flourish or it will become stagnant and I will outgrow it. The latter makes me a bit fearful and the knee jerk reaction would be to just stop where I am to not risk losing my girlfriend. But in this process I have learned that it will hurt me far worse to shrink myself into a room that I no longer fit into, than to keep growing. And so, what will be will be, as I am no longer willing to dim my light to let someone else shine.
The reason I chose to discuss this as my thankful Thursday topic is that I recognize that I ran out here and did all the things they tell you not to do. I started dating too soon after my last breakup. I fucked on the second night. I saw the red flags and I kept showing up. I probably forgave too much. and I’m sure that I’ve excused too much. But, I don’t think I could have, or would have, gained the strength and clarity that I have on the ways I show up in romantic relationships without seeing this through.
And so far, it seems to be working out. I haven’t gotten that call, and my reforming fuckboy seems to be more in love with me as everyday passes.
(*side note – I can’t take all of the credit here. My girlfriend had her own ideas and perspectives but this isn’t her blog so, if you wanna know her side, ask her. If you don’t know me well enough to know how to get in touch with her feel free to leave a comment below and she will answer you herself.*)
The Sawyer Club 