It’s going to be hard for me to write about this year without placing myself back in the seat of victimhood but, I’m going to do my best. To be clear, when I started out this year, the seat of victimhood was MINE. Okay! It was perfectly molded and contoured to the widest parts of my ass with my name hand embroidered into the seat.
I am not that person anymore.
Over the next eleven posts, as I reflect back on the situations I found myself in, and out of this year, I will only be referencing these types of moments as testament to the odds I have overcome and the healing I was able to achieve.
As you read these, please try to look for the humor in them and try not to focus on the depressing aspects of my journey. I have now come to understand that everything happens for a reason and that my life happens for me and not to me.
Everybody understand the assignment so far? Good!
When I brought in the new year, I had no idea I would be spending the next 365 days healing from emotional wounds and trauma that started when I was a mere nine years old and continued through the 2020 year.
I wrote a post in January of this year that listed healing as one of the things I hoped to accomplish in 2021. Little did I know, not only would it be a task that got touched on, it would be the central theme of my entire year.
Let’s begin in January.
If you haven’t read January thru December of 2020, you may be a little lost on what I’m going to cover in this post. I’d recommend you go back and read it but, it’s your time to fill. Do with it as you please.
As you can see from the photo below, I brought in 2021 20lbs heavier than my 2019 weight. Look! I didn’t have a neck, lol. I brought in the year with the woman I had been dating all of 2020 with the intention of us eventually entering into a relationship.
**In the photo’s shown below, I had the inkling that something was off between us but I was too distracted with moving, finalizing my divorce, and trying to stay afloat at work to really focus on my nagging intuition. There had been plenty of warning signals, since October 2020, from my spirit team warning me that something wasn’t right about this “relationship” and that I needed to jump ship. That’s pretty much the theme of the year before. I was always too busy to pay attention to what was happening right in front of me.**
To be fair to myself, I had reason to think that we we’re working towards something serious.
There were several explicit conversations about where we were, what we were doing, our intentions, and expectations.
We’d met each other’s families.
We spent every waking minute of every day either on the phone with each other or at each other’s homes. I was taking her to doctor’s appointments, helping her process family drama, taking vacations, picking her up from the airport, I was the person she called for everything. We fought like we were in a relationship. We made plans like we were in a relationship. We held each other to the same expectations of a relationship. For all intents and purposes, what were were involved in was a relationship of sorts. Boy, did I find out how wrong this pattern of thought was.
One day in late January while casually having brunch, I asked her a series of questions. The answers to which, would leave me reeling down a rabbit hole of self evaluation, healing, mental health therapy, and to be honest, straight up rage.
- Can you give me your attention?
- Can you give me your time?
- Can you be present when you’re in my presence?
The answer to all three of these questions was an unwavering, “No.” I remember being stunned sitting across the table from her as she went on to explain to me that while she loved me, she didn’t love me enough to only be with me. I didn’t know at the time that this was a Drake lyric, lol.
She went on to tell me that she was, and had been, entertaining other women. Which changed to one woman, and that she had no intention of stopping. I was informed that while she had no intention of extending herself to me beyond the half involved way she had been interacting with me over the previous few weeks, she still wanted me to be in her life as a friend.
That was a lot, right?
Are you ready for this next part? Hold on tight cause you’re probably going to throw your phone.
To which I responded, “Okay, I can do that.”
You don’t have to say it and I truly hope you didn’t throw your phone, lol.
We spent the rest of that day together. Went back to her house. If I remember correctly, I even spent the night with her. CCCHHHIIILLLLDDDDD. This photo was taken a few days later. Look at me, grinning like an idiot, LMFAO! I can’t make this shit up.
So why am I telling you this story?
I am telling you this because it is probably the single most profound and transformative situation to happen to me in my adult life. This event, and a few more colorful instances that we’ll get into later, all lead me to a place of confusion, anger, victimhood, denial, fear, hopelessness, heartbroken, and finally, FINALLY clarity.
2021 showed me all the broken parts of myself that allowed me to think this behavior was okay, and to show up begging for more.
Deaf, Dumb, Blind.
The funny thing about being unhealed, unhealthy, unaware, is that you have no way of knowing it until something major happens to shift your perspective on things.
You hear about stories of people who live with a terminal illness for years and not know it. Once they find out and start getting treatment you often hear them say they felt better before they started being healed from the thing that was killing them. That’s not because there were no problems before. The illness had simply infiltrated their body so slowly, that they didn’t notice the shift from feeling good, to feeling okay, to feeling downright awful. By the time they made it to awful, they no longer had any recollection of what feeling good actually was. Are you following me? I hope so.
I’ve come to learn for myself, that the reason I was deaf, dumb, and blind to my mental illness, trauma, and wounding, was because it started acclimating itself to my body and mind long before I knew how to spell unhealed. My journey and conditioning to thrive in toxicity started all the way back in my childhood. The unfortunate part for me, is that I wouldn’t come to realize this until much later in the year.
But as for January, I was happily settling for the opportunity to be someone’s sometimes, maybe, if I’m bored, or have time.
The year of change.
You’d think this was as wild as things got in this situation, right?
Over the next eleven posts I’m going to take you through the most impactful moments of my 2021 that lead me to the evolved, healing, confident, self assured woman that I am today.
Some of these situations will be hard for me to share because they require a level of vulnerability I have never brought to a public space before. But, I have promised myself to bring as much of myself to the conversation as I can, with respect to my boundaries, in the hopes that my journey will inspire someone else to step into their own authenticity.
Theme song for January – Focus